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Lately it seems as if I’m being reminded of just how scarily accurate gut feelings can be. I feel almost lucky at times, almost tempting me to believe in ESP. From suggesting to someone the sugar is on the right while in another room to feeling as if there a person was off kilter just from the look in their eyes.

Ever since I posted about helping people out I’ve tried following my gut when it comes to people asking or appearing to need assistance. Not too long ago I noticed a man who seemed as if he was living out of a backpack almost by choice rather than necessity. At first in passing I gave him some slices of Hot Mama’s and some extra stuff Pike St Fish Fry gave me. He reminds me of an older wise man with a gnomish white beard, he just seems relaxed and peaceful at all times.

One late night walk with Terra not too long ago I stopped and got to asking him about my gut feeling, just to see if I was right. In a very relaxed conversation Norton and I talk about being in the flow, feeling a general unease building, and about luck and opportunity. Over an hour later, with Terra being a chill puppy, we’ve managed to cover topics like music, politics, human rights, and new forms of society. Talking Žižek, Kierkegaard, and Examined Life; geeking out on thoughts of the Universe and the interconnectedness of everything.

Walking from my stop on Broadway still reading the comments my Gramps had written in his copy of the Denial of Death there was a girl with a dog and some art. One of the pieces she had just happened to catch my eye. So I stopped and turned around, I’m not even sure why, perhaps it reminded me of being a kid and visiting my Dad for weekends at the beach. I asked about what inspired her to make the girl the way she did and commented how the rays of sunlight flew off the board. I asked how much she wanted for it and she commented about how she’s living out of a car so make an offer but in the past they’ve gone for $200. My gut says eh, go for it, my brain says, bit rich for my blood. I tell her I’ll see what I can do and after hitting up the ATM a couple blocks down head back with $200. Telling her about how my Mom does stained glass and has always been a bit of a starving artist I hand over the cash. She began to thank me profusely, tells me how far out and down to Earth I seem. She signs the back and mentions about driving around from place to place and to check her out on MySpace. I end up getting home and am like, wait did I just do that? Have I been taken? I search for her name and sure enough she’s got some other awesome stuff posted online.

After not talking to Norton for a while I stop by again to see how he’s doing and to actually ask about whether or not he’s living out of a backpack by choice. Either I couldn’t bring myself to ask him the first time or I was just too busy thinking about other stuff to ask previously. Turns out that my gut feeling was almost dead on here as well. I’ll spare the details now since I’m still curious about what got him to this point, if he’s settled and actually peaceful and what would he need in life if he’s not. I think when I do speak to him next I’ll give him this $25 Amex gift card I received, seems like the least I can do considering how much enjoyment I’ve received from our conversations.

Meanwhile off the topic of gut feelings I have mixed feelings about non-profit awareness and the general pushiness of those requesting donations in public. I usually pick one a month and donate enough for Microsoft to match, sometimes more. I’ve lost track of the various causes I’ve donated to and I guess this is where I become uncomfortable. I usually stop and see what’s what, then after remembering that I’ve donated prior and even after mentioning that I’ve donated, instead of saying thanks they’ll sometimes say, “well why not make a regular commitment”! Great, but if I donated to every cause I’d like every single time I’m asked  and did so regularly I’d be the one asking for donations before too long. I guess I’d prefer if they’d just state what they’re out for, hand over some info and call it good. If I want to take the time to donate there don’t try and push for regular installments or a minimum amount. Doing otherwise just makes it easier to justify avoiding you altogether.

The more I think about these gut feelings though the more I realize that when I follow them the happier I become and the happier I seem to make the people around me. This surely can’t be a bad thing.

Not too long ago I stepped on the scale, it read 222 pounds and supposedly 24% body fat. I stepped off, looked in the mirror, just thought, ugh, you’re one gross fat fuck. As I was having my shower I tried imagining some hot actress joining me only I struggled to picture one that’d want to have sex with a fat fuck such as myself. It was bad, I could barely see my junk, I felt like crap. My lower back was in constant pain from sitting 12+ hours a day from work. I wasn’t walking anywhere and my knees made the most excruciating bone cracking noise ever. I could easily drink a bottle of wine a day, I could eat a lot and it showed. By now the water turned as cold as my imagination, I got out of the shower feeling sorry for myself. I leaned over to grab some mouth wash from under the sink, in the process of bending over then getting up I suddenly became dizzy, vision blurred, felt light headed, the room shrunk into spinning black hole of nothingness.

When I regained consciousness I thought perhaps it was just from the long hot shower, change in temperature, who knows. It was a bit of a trippy experience that’s for sure. Fast forward a couple months, a dozen or so incidences of syncope occur. After a number of visits to the doc, chiropractor, neurologist, and cardiologist I’m told that I can try drinking less water (I was drinking about 120 ounces a day) or add some electrolytes to it, try some blood pressure medication, or go in for heart surgery. What the fuck!?

One of the immediate side effects of all these fun trips to nothingness was a pretty bad depression, probably some of the worse I’ve experienced. I couldn’t help but ask myself some big questions; contemplating life more deeply I told myself something major has to change otherwise I’ll get lost in this nothing. Sounds overly dramatic I know, but the feelings were very real. Thanks to the depression I lost my appetite for a month or so, this was a good thing really, it got me started on my original goal of getting down to 180 pounds. I also realized that drinking wasn’t really helping make me lose any weight or make me feel any better so I stopped that too. Sure enough 222 to 190 in the course of 2 months or so. My stomach and appetite have shrunk drastically by this point.

Another couple of months go by and I’m on a much better and more balanced albeit reduced calorie “diet”. Lots of fruit, veg, protein, less bread (oh how I love bread), less sugar, no HFCS, the usual normal crap that everybody tries to do. Nothing special. Now down to 180… My back pain is pretty much gone by now though I’m still getting dizzy randomly.

So that brings me to today. I’m now apparently 165 pounds and the scale says about 15% body fat. I used to wear a 34/36 with a belt and am now wearing a 29 (grr more money for new clothes, at least I could donate the old).  I’m eating quite a bit, or at least I feel like I am, but am still losing. I can only guess that perhaps my metabolism has gotten a nice kick in the ass, I’m not sure. At any rate, and more importantly, I’ve been trying to make some of those major changes. To help reduce the stress, I’ve been working from home for the past month and it’s made a huge difference on my general happiness. Especially with not having to commute, this makes me feel good on so many levels; if only I could sell the car now. I also found the most amazing puppy off Craiglist and so far Terra has been awesome at keeping my life active and structured. Six daily walks with her including errand runs and I’m probably averaging 10K. Instead of sitting on my ass waiting for the computer and the tools to respond, I take the time to do some exercise with an exercise ball (my chair), 35 pound kettle bell, and a pull up bar. It’s a bit surprising how often I’m actually doing some sort of exercise thanks to complicated modern technology . I did join a local CrossFit which will be amazing but I think for now it may be a bit too much for me and the heart, perhaps I’ll start that up again soon.

There really isn’t any point to this other than to mark the moment in time so I can look back a year from now and measure the results and think about the changes. I’m not really a fan of the MySpace dude pics but I do like the idea of recording a photo a day for a year to do a time lapse. Posting now and doing another in a year might help me a little bit with getting into shape, though I really don’t know what I’d call “being in shape”. Even now I still get dizzy randomly but am much more aware of the symptoms and can work around it. Perhaps in shape for me means the incidences dropping to null. We’ll see .

Woke up from a dream last night… with the sensation that I went on a flying trip over Seattle, some lakes, forests, and waterfalls; all the way out into space where I was weightless, chilling out over Earth.

In the process of trying to fall back to sleep I pretty much thought about the following:

1. Design a tattoo in Illustrator and Photoshop that fits the scene in my head/dream.
   • Think about a conversation with Grandma in a hypothetical future situation. “I’m not getting it yet, but as soon as I get into great shape that tattoo is coming.”
   • Use Illustrator and Photoshop design as background for site.
   • Use Illustrator design to create a movie with AfterEffects.
   • Convert movie to Silverlight/Flash for site.
2. Print some photos I’ve taken at Costco.
   • Design and create a DIY wire photo frame which features the photos in between two pieces of glass suspended in a 1x4x9 frame.
   • Share results online with a process video.
3. Join the CrossFit gym across the street so that I can go every Thursday morning in addition to the regular gym visits every Tuesday evening.
   • Buy some weights for home and figure out some more home workout options.
   • Get in great shape.
4. Get tattoo.
5. Looking at ceiling from the bed realizing that I should take a photo of what I’m looking at. Then using Photoshop and Illustrator convert it to a line drawing to then create a design for what I’d like to have built.
   • Thinking of the design. Thinking of how it’d best be accomplished. Creating the mental lines.
   • Use screen capture app to record the process of converting a photo into a design.
   • Take design get it built then do a making of the entire thing.
6. Take long beach vacation.
7. Take a road trip to visit family in California after November 2nd.
   • Return from California very chill and ready for great times ahead.
8. Idea for blog post about the way I think.
9. Need to buy camera gear for Leetspeak’s first show.
   • Need to attend show and hook up audio recorder to monitor output to be able to make a decent quality video.

Trying to go back to sleep now… Thinking… Man I need to find something new to fall asleep to. I’m really starting to pick out individual instrument patterns. Damn, that really is a pattern. I wonder if I could recreate this. I should try and recreate song, record process.

Okay, I need to sleep… I’m laying on a beach listening to the waves and there’s an awesome girl next to me. We go snorkeling in the really clear waters and see some turtles. Chilling on a board, now there’s some dolphins off in the distance. Flash forward to getting out of water after splashing around a bit with the awesome girl. Have sex with awesome girl in awesome villa on the beach. Lay out on beach as the stars come out and fall asleep to the sight of the milky way.

And after all that I eventually fall asleep, I think, at least that’s the point where I forget everything and eventually wake up. Getting ready for work, realize I need to create a list of shit to do. Realize that I should just record every idea I had while trying to fall back to sleep.

Record list.
Post.

I think it’ll end up being exactly what caused me to vote for him in the first place.

I filled in that dot next to his name for the fact that he’s an very intelligent grounded leader with good morals and a strong philosophical sense – a passionate open thinker.

The problem for what I think is a disproportionate amount of Americans is that they’re lacking in these very qualities themselves. (more…)

The political drama continues with Dan. I sort of decided to use the time to reply late at night over the weekend to work the brain and practice the writing skills.

I’ve definitely been having more of this self reflection and outwardly contemplation time lately and the entire thread with Dan basically plays into it. There was also this chat I had with Chad the other day at work about Dawkins and being a “militant atheist” that I’ve been thinking about as well. I’m definitely generalizing things a bit and being argumentative about the entire “radical religious right”.

If you missed the first or second parts be sure to check those out before reading on. (more…)